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The kids

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My kids have learned to read—in fact they love reading. It’s very exciting. But it seems like everything they read is junk! I really want my kids to be exposed to quality children’s literature. There just doesn’t seem to be enough of it out there. Almost everything at the bookstore is either inane or obnoxious. What can I do?

Why, you can grab a tote bag and your kids and GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY, where there are thousands of easy books and readers hand-selected by picky librarians, better children’s nonfiction than you’ll find at any bookstore, and much more.

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Book Search

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I’m looking for a book about THIS big, oh, and red. I think it has a man on the cover and the main character is a writer or something.

Someone would be happy to help you find that if you would simply GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by @bannedlibrary

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Simple Steps to Avoid “Ugly American” Tag

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My boss is sending me to Spain on business and I don’t even know if they have flush toilets.

You can learn about the hygiene, culture, food and habits of Spain and many other countries, if you would just GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Mary T.

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It’s a Magazine. You’ve Probably Never Heard of It.

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I want to read through back editions of Vice magazine (you’ve probably never heard of it), but I can’t buy them any more!

You’ll find both current and back issues of all kinds of magazines if you GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Rick S.

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Cunning Linguist

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I want to learn another language, but I can’t afford that fancy software, and I don’t know where to get books or magazines that aren’t in English.

You can find software, magazines, and books in many languages, all for free, if only you’d GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Kathy D, library advocate.

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The Internet is Mainstream

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I heard a song by some underground band. They’re not maintstream, so you’ve probably never heard of them. I’m not sure I want to shell out $14.99 on iTunes for an entire album though. If only there was some place I could borrow the CD and listen to it for a while!

You can actually check out and listen to music, if only you’d GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Erin H.

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Non-Naked Lunch

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I want to apply for jobs but I don’t know any good sites and the newspapers are only hiring strippers and call girls and those professions are against my delicate nature.

A librarian can help you find good job sites that don’t require you to get naked on the first interview if you GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

-Submitted by Jazmin I.

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Flood & Facebook Fiasco

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It’s the 5th day since we had that huge East coast snow/rainstorm that I have no power at my house. I wish there were a place that I could go to access the Internet so that I can catch up on every detail of my Facebook friends’ lives, since my iPhone is now dead.

All libraries have Internet stations and wireless connections so you can access all your favorite sites (well, maybe not the dirty ones), so why don’t you GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY?

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Homo What?

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I want to know what a homo-erectus is, but I’m afraid to type that into Google™ images. What do I do?

Well, a dirty minded individual like yourself could GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Ethan P.

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Movie Rental

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It would be great if there was something like Netflix™, but for books!

There is! You should GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

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But Where Can We Go To Complain?

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My new activist/support/other group is really growing but we can’t afford to rent a room and Starbucks™ is too small and crowded.

You can reserve meeting space if you would just GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

-Submitted by Le Anne

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Whoa, Man

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I have an idea about starting my own business so I can quit working for The Man, but I don’t know where I can get business information without asking The Man. Is there anyone who will answer my questions but won’t steal my ideas?

It’s easy to find honest, trustworthy help once you realize that you need to GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Kathy D, library advocate.

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Keeping Kids Quiet (Without Benadryl)

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I’m the mother of a toddler, and all of these excursions to Chuck E. Cheese™ are getting expensive. If only there were some way to entertain my child for a few hours while I got some work done.

You and your child can participate in “storytime” if you would both just GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Kirby M.

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Did You Hear Me? I Did Over a Thousand.

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I want to start exercising but I don’t even know where to begin. Jog, bicycle, lift weights, what would work for me?

You can learn about all sorts of exercise routines and their benefits if you’d just GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

-Submitted by Daniel S.

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My Doctor is Speaking Greek!!!

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I just went to the doctor and he said I have Psoriasis.  It sounds like I have a fish disease?  I wish I had more time to ask the physician questions so I could learn about this fishy disease?

Well you can find knowledgeable people who can direct you to awesome quality consumer medical websites and books (that will tell you about this skin disease) that won’t try to sell you penis enhancing drugs for your medical condition if you Go The Fuck To The Library!!!

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Down with Reading Tariffs

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This Wired™ article had a science article linked, and I want to read it but the publisher’s site says I need a subscription. Single view is $50! How can I read this?

School attendance is almost never required for entry or reading articles online/in the stacks, just checking them out, so GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY!

-Submitted by Nb41

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Amazon

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I sure wish I didn’t have to buy all these books on Amazon™. They’re really expensive and all I make are the tips from my job as a barista at Starbucks™. What should I do?

Some people suggest that you should GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

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Local Rentals

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When Netflix™ announced they were going to increase their costs I rage deleted my account. Oh how I wish there was a local service like Redbox™ or Blockbuster™ that didn’t charge those exorbitant fees!

Well, cinephile, you can rent movies for free, and all you need to do is GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Racine O.

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Learn All the Things!

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These economic times are hard. I lost my job and have to learn a new skill, but I’m older now with bills and a family and I can’t afford to go back to college. Where on earth would I find the resources to teach myself a new skill for free?

There are books on everything from computer programming to landscaping, and all you need to do is GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Jason C.

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Family Time

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It’s so hard to find an activity that the entire family can enjoy. If only there was some place free where adults and children can find something of interest while spending time together as a family.

You’re in luck! You and your whole family should GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Royogini

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Read ALL the Twilight Books

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Posted on Freecycle.  “I loved the Twilight movies and now want to read all the books.  Will someone lend me them?  I’ll return them to you when done.”

Erm…if you want to borrow the books to read and then return them you’d be in luck if a place existed specializing in the lending of books. Wouldn’t it be great if such a place existed? And if they let you borrow other things too. Magazines. Movies. Video Games. Music. If only a place like that could be found…..Oh wait.  THERE IS!  GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY!

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Catering to People who Hate Food

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I’m hosting the family reunion. My sister-in-law eats only vegan gluten-free foods, and my uncle is strictly low-carb. How can I figure out how to feed everyone?

You can spend hours trying to find what you’re looking for on the web, or, there are cookbooks for every kind of diet available for checkout if you’d GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Naomi Y.

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My empire is crumbling

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I feel that my country is on the decline, largely because nobody feels it’s their duty to work for the public good anymore, even elected officials. What can I do to shake this sinking feeling?

To be surrounded by people who still work every day helping children grow up curious and bright and helping ordinary citizens expand their horizons, all you need to do is GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

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Mum! He’s on myyyy side!

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I need something to keep the kids quiet on long car rides. I dont have a fancy in-car tv, and they don’t play hand held games. They just kick eachother, bicker and I can’t concentrate on my driving.

If you just GO THE FUCK TO YOUR LIBRARY they will be able to offer you a huge selection of kid’s audiobooks, sing-alongs and maybe even a colouring in activity pack. You’ll never know until you go.

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Lost at the Library

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Now that Lost is over, I’m still trying to figure out what that show was actually about. I don’t want to buy all the seasons on DVD. If only there were a place I could borrow the DVDs so I can finally speak intelligently about that damn ending!

You must be living on an island if you don’t know that the library has TV series on DVD that you can borrow for free, so GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY, Jack!

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Snooki

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I want to read Snooki’s new book, Confessions of a Guidette, but I’m afraid of being judged for buying it. How can I get access to this great literary masterpiece?

Librarians don’t judge you, and once you return the book, no one will ever know you took it out. Thus, it seems your best option would be to GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

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