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My kids have learned to read—in fact they love reading. It’s very exciting. But it seems like everything they read is junk! I really want my kids to be exposed to quality children’s literature. There just doesn’t seem to be enough of it out there. Almost everything at the bookstore is either inane or obnoxious. What can I do?

Why, you can grab a tote bag and your kids and GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY, where there are thousands of easy books and readers hand-selected by picky librarians, better children’s nonfiction than you’ll find at any bookstore, and much more.

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I’m curious about my family history. My parents, Granny and Gramps won’t talk to me anymore because they’re sick of my questions so I’m expanding my search. I know there are bound family histories, obituaries and census data to look through but I don’t know where to start.

Hey! I bet I can get guidance on genealogy research if I GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

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I want to learn another language, but I can’t afford that fancy software, and I don’t know where to get books or magazines that aren’t in English.

You can find software, magazines, and books in many languages, all for free, if only you’d GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Kathy D, library advocate.

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I need something to keep the kids quiet on long car rides. I dont have a fancy in-car tv, and they don’t play hand held games. They just kick eachother, bicker and I can’t concentrate on my driving.

If you just GO THE FUCK TO YOUR LIBRARY they will be able to offer you a huge selection of kid’s audiobooks, sing-alongs and maybe even a colouring in activity pack. You’ll never know until you go.

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I want to start exercising but I don’t even know where to begin. Jog, bicycle, lift weights, what would work for me?

You can learn about all sorts of exercise routines and their benefits if you’d just GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

-Submitted by Daniel S.

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I’m looking for and I’ve never had to do this before and I don’t know how to write a resume. I Googled for “how to find a job” but there are so many hits I don’t know what to believe.

You are not the only person in this position, and if you GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY, the helpful librarian can lead you to an entire section of employment-related books and materials, many specific to your geographic area.

-Submitted by Andy L.

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I’m looking for a book my friend reccommended. Its about cooking and she said its 641.597 SEI. What the hell does that mean?

This is a Dewey Decimal Call number. If you just GTFTTL, and ask for it, they can point you in the right direction very easily. If its not there, you can place a hold (reserve) it and get an email when it arrives.

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My boss is sending me to Spain on business and I don’t even know if they have flush toilets.

You can learn about the hygiene, culture, food and habits of Spain and many other countries, if you would just GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Mary T.

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This Wired™ article had a science article linked, and I want to read it but the publisher’s site says I need a subscription. Single view is $50! How can I read this?

School attendance is almost never required for entry or reading articles online/in the stacks, just checking them out, so GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY!

-Submitted by Nb41

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I’m single and bars are icky and I have an alcohol allergy. How can I meet someone like me who shares similar deeply intellectual interests?

A lot of intelligent people would suggest that you GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

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My new activist/support/other group is really growing but we can’t afford to rent a room and Starbucks™ is too small and crowded.

You can reserve meeting space if you would just GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

-Submitted by Le Anne

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Now that Lost is over, I’m still trying to figure out what that show was actually about. I don’t want to buy all the seasons on DVD. If only there were a place I could borrow the DVDs so I can finally speak intelligently about that damn ending!

You must be living on an island if you don’t know that the library has TV series on DVD that you can borrow for free, so GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY, Jack!

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I’m looking for a positive customer service experience that involves diverse, educated, friendly, informed, thorough, thoughtful, and dedicated staff.

You’ll find such a thing if you GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Ryan G, a former library worker

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These economic times are hard. I lost my job and have to learn a new skill, but I’m older now with bills and a family and I can’t afford to go back to college. Where on earth would I find the resources to teach myself a new skill for free?

There are books on everything from computer programming to landscaping, and all you need to do is GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Jason C.

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When Netflix™ announced they were going to increase their costs I rage deleted my account. Oh how I wish there was a local service like Redbox™ or Blockbuster™ that didn’t charge those exorbitant fees!

Well, cinephile, you can rent movies for free, and all you need to do is GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Racine O.

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I don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”, “it’s” and “its” or “they’re” and “there”. My English teacher doesn’t, either. What should I do so people don’t think I’m an idiot?

It’s highly likely you could find a grammar book if you would just GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Karis J.

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I am frazzled. My kid is doing a project on dinosaurs and the cashier/barista/information person at the local chain bookstore gave me a patronizing look when I asked to see books on dinosaurs that haven’t been discovered yet.

A librarian will help you find what you’re really after, without patronizing you, if you GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Bryan C.

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I hate paying taxes. Taxes just bubble up to the government and are never used for anything good or positive, at least, not in my life.

You can see what your taxes have already paid for if you just GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Alex G, librarian.

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I want to read through back editions of Vice magazine (you’ve probably never heard of it), but I can’t buy them any more!

You’ll find both current and back issues of all kinds of magazines if you GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Rick S.

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I want to know what a homo-erectus is, but I’m afraid to type that into Google™ images. What do I do?

Well, a dirty minded individual like yourself could GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Ethan P.

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It’s so hard to find an activity that the entire family can enjoy. If only there was some place free where adults and children can find something of interest while spending time together as a family.

You’re in luck! You and your whole family should GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Royogini

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I’m a single woman in a new city. I’d like to meet people by volunteering, but I don’t want to work at a free clinic. Where could I go to meet lots of different people in a clean, safe environment and affect their lives in a positive way?

You’d be surprised at how many normal, not-creepy people you can meet if you would just GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

-Submitted by Amy P.

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I just went to the doctor and he said I have Psoriasis.  It sounds like I have a fish disease?  I wish I had more time to ask the physician questions so I could learn about this fishy disease?

Well you can find knowledgeable people who can direct you to awesome quality consumer medical websites and books (that will tell you about this skin disease) that won’t try to sell you penis enhancing drugs for your medical condition if you Go The Fuck To The Library!!!

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I sure wish I didn’t have to buy all these books on Amazon™. They’re really expensive and all I make are the tips from my job as a barista at Starbucks™. What should I do?

Some people suggest that you should GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

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I’m the mother of a toddler, and all of these excursions to Chuck E. Cheese™ are getting expensive. If only there were some way to entertain my child for a few hours while I got some work done.

You and your child can participate in “storytime” if you would both just GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY.

- Submitted by Kirby M.

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It’s the 5th day since we had that huge East coast snow/rainstorm that I have no power at my house. I wish there were a place that I could go to access the Internet so that I can catch up on every detail of my Facebook friends’ lives, since my iPhone is now dead.

All libraries have Internet stations and wireless connections so you can access all your favorite sites (well, maybe not the dirty ones), so why don’t you GO THE FUCK TO THE LIBRARY?